Jon Stewart — 30 Years of the Best F**king News Team's Audition Tapes | The Daily Show

Let me just read to you from the congressional record of their first meeting. Oh, boy, this should be. Get company, John. It should be lovely. Day one of negotiations. Mm hmm. Hey, dipshit. We start things on time around here. Oh, I'm sorry I'm late. Perhaps the gentleman from the great state of Wisconsin, didn't know I was at home ing his mom. Wow. That's... Whoo! Yeah. Patty Murray's got a mouth on her. That's not a promising start. How did they get to any deal? Well, let's see here. A lot of blank pages. They were just staring at each other, not saying anything for weeks, John. Uh huh. But here, oh, here at the end, on the final day, with 10 minutes to go, Ryan said, Hey, knuckle. How was a budget of a trillion sound? She said, Make it 1.012, and you have a deal, ask Munch Johnson. And suddenly, come with me. And you'll see. A world of passing legislation. Jordan, you have a terrible singing. It's awful. I really wish I didn't have to do that, John. And for more, we go out to senior political correspondent Jason Jones. Jason, isn't it hypocritical for Harry Reid to try to draw a distinction between the Sheldon Adelson and the Koch brothers? No. And it's Desi. Desi Lydic. Okay, care to expend on that. Well, I'm a Stanford graduate. I have multiple degrees. I speak 9 different languages. I won 14 different beauty pageants. I'm a proficient puppeteer, a celiac survivor. Oh, no, no. meant to expand on your view. Oh, no. No, it's self evident. Social media is playing a larger part in the way we view and discuss politics than ever before. Here to discuss the impact and uses of social media in politics is our senior social media correspondent, Ronnie Chang. Ronnie. Trevor, people on Facebook are so stupid. Here to offer his opinion on our current political climate is our correspondent. Mr. Michael Costa, everyone. Thanks, Trevor, but it's actually Dr. Michael Kosta. No. You're a doctor? Well, yeah, according to medical certificateonline.com, I am. That's a blank. Trevor, as a doctor, from the great state of Michigan. I'm here today to share with you a scary prognosis. parts of this country are sick. And not sick is in sick, skateboard, bruh. Sick is in unwell. You see what I'm saying, John? Nobody is happy about this. I mean, Biden versus Trump again. We really gonna do a reboot. The same guys is a few years ago, but now they're older. It's lazy. It is lazy writing. I agree with that. I don't know. The people who rig this country should really come up with a better storyline, but we're still talking about Trump and Biden, right? It just doesn't make sense. They already had this job. And now they're back. Go do something else. It's so desperate. Let someone else run the show. By show, you mean the... presidency. I said what I said. Now, if you do come work, but you know you can't use the name John. That's fine. I'm prepared for that. All right, good. I was gonna take Rico. Rico. And while the quail, yes, turned out to be a 78 year old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region, unruly region of Mr. Whittington's 78 year old face. Uh, John, why? If he had known that Mr. Whittington was not a bird. why then would he still have shot him? John, in a post 9/11 world or 11 9, Britain did invent the calendar. Uh, we choose where the numbers go. The American people expect their leaders to be decisive, to not have shot his friend in the face, would have sent a message to the entire quail network that America is weak, and that's just what the quail would want. John, let me ask you a question. I don't understand why I had to travel here to report on this story. Well, I I know you're concerned about... I Concerned? No. I'm bored. Why would I be concerned about SARS John? I mean come on. I live in New York City, the place where homeless people spray urine on salad bars. Toronto is surgically sterile by comparison. I say, bring on the SARS. An epidemic might give this place a little zippity zing. Because, John, it pins you down. It forces you to deal with the potential candidate's worst enemy. Reality, you know, without it, you're good. You're all set, you're flying high. No money for Pakistan. Shove it, China. But then you sit in on a couple of intelligence committees, you maybe get some firsthand knowledge of the situation, and the next thing you know, you don't have the foundation to stand on. Ah! You know, that was not a convincing fall off a cliff, Jessica. I didn't animate it. It is old. I'm not responsible for that. You don't pay me to animate things. Unless you want to, then I can get you some squiggly drawings. We may consider it. Getting that direction. Surprising as it may seem, not all people of color are against the removal of the Confederate flag. In Virginia, a black high school student has the flag tattooed on his arm to help break this down is our senior regular black correspondent, Roy Wood Jr. Roy. How are you doing right now? Trouble. Trevor, I'm nervous, okay? It's real out there. You probably wouldn't know that 'cause you're not regular black. Okay, Roy, there's no such thing as regular black. I'm a minority who grew up in apartheid, so I'm sure we have common ground. Where are you from? South Africa. I've never been to Europe. Well, thank you, Michael. Michael. Michael. No! No, all right. Don't do that, John. You always do that. All right, fine. You can shut me up. But just remember, when you out there white jogging, and you see a black dude in this suit, running behind you, with a panic look on his face. Know that you will not be leaving Michael Che behind. Thank you, Michael. Michael Che, everybody. That's, uh, that's very funny. That's very bad. No, no, thank you. I like these organizations. Sorry. I forgot the best part. Forgot the best part. Can I tell you, though, adding it at that point, actually, built? on what we had originally foreseen when we had gotten together and written. Correspondent does jerk off gesture. Rob, if I make it back to the issue at hand, though, seriously, it's not like these organizations don't still need contributions. Perhaps Buffett's donation will inspire others, and... come on, John. What are you gonna give? 100 bucks. 200. Charity doesn't need your charity. It's insulting. Now is the time for everyone. to do something nice for themselves. Did you know that just for the price of a cup of coffee a day, you could buy yourself a cup of coffee a day? You know what? Make it a grande. You deserve it. Thank you. Thank you, Rob. Can I get a top off on this? Hello? Where's the, uh... And may I say your performance was terrific. Well, uh, thank you very much, Wyatt. Far superior to the crap fest of two years ago. That was, uh, that was me, too. Indeed it was. But this was quite a turnaround for you. And it's not just me saying it. That's the consensus of the millions and millions of people around the world who read about it. And saw it? Knew, just read about it. Nobody saw it. It wasn't clearly the highest rated Oscars, ever. No, it was not, John. Unless by highest, you mean lowest, in which case it was, it was the lowest, or least high. Is that what you meant? The lowest, because it was, ever, of all time. Okay. Really low. Like, super, like, embarrassingly. I understand. For more on the revelations, we turn to Jason Jones, our senior scandal historian. Jason, thanks for joining us. Thank you, John. For those of us who covered Watergate, the revelation that W. Mark Fox. Oh, sorry to interrupt. Uh, you covered Watergate, you must have been, uh... I was eight, John. And full of piss and vinegar. I was a cub reporter for the old UPI syndicate. Hell of a summer. I'll never forget the bustle in the newsroom. Smell the cherry blossoms, banging Helen Thomas in the shadow of the Washington Monument. Ice skates and ski blades have been dulled. Hockey pucks are made of some kind of space age nerf. And biathlon athletes will hug instead of shoot. So the hazards are all taken care of. I guess everything's under control, so we can, uh... Except for one. It's winter. Icicles everywhere. You could stab someone. It's the perfect crime. There's no prints, there's no weapon. All that's left is a puddle. Water keeps its secrets. John? Uh, thank you, Ed. Ice skates and ski blades have been dull. Hockey pucks are made of some kind of space age nerf. And biathlon athletes will hug instead of shoot. But so, uh, the hazards are taken care of. Everything's under control, so... Except for one. It's winter. Icicles everywhere. You could stab someone. It's the perfect crime. No prints, no weapon. All that's left is a puddle, and, uh... water keeps its secrets. Thank you, Rob. Thank you, John. We'll be right back